The One

WORLD DOMINATION

2007-06-09T13:38:00.000-07:00

World domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. Therefore, I follow these guidelines while conquering the world...
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." 17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base. Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a single push of a button.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let him in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I¹m eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell-mate tells the guard it¹s an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. As you can see.. I'm well on my way.

What NOT to do in your final year of schooling: A guide for the clueless

2007-06-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

I broke precedents this year. I also broke my left ring finger, my right thumb, my right arm, ad a metatarsal on my right foot. I had three stitches on my toe, with room enough for six. I paid a midnight visit to the hospital, among others, to quell an allergic reaction to a samosa, which would have otherwise killed me in a matter of hours. Killed by a samosa. Fuck.

I said i broke precedents. I broke them not in academics, not in sports, not, in fact, in anything worthwhile. I broke precedents, as you might have guessed by now, in breaking stuff. This post is an attempt to help out those in my shoes a year ago. Size twelve and a half nikes. It is also born of absolute boredom, and will probably not help you in any matter whatsoever. Jackass. Stop reading and go study and save the world.

No. Seriously. Go do something worthwhile. I'm gonna. Bye.

Of roads and life, and the similarity between the two....

2006-12-31T01:05:00.000-08:00

Life is like a road, and you’re a weary traveler driving down it. When I was a kid, I kept asking my dad to overtake the cars ahead, pretending that I was in a race, vying for first place. Dad humoured me. The infuriating thing is this: No matter how many cars you pass, there will still be many more ahead of you. You will never be in first place. Not because you are not good enough, but because there is no such thing.
And until you realize that it doesn’t matter who else is on the road, until you realize that the only thing that matters is where you are going and how you are going there, you’re wasting your time. All you have to do is stay on the road you need to to reach your destination, avoid potholes and flat tires, and never run out of gas. You'll get there eventually. Have faith.

My superhero alter-ego

2006-12-31T01:00:00.000-08:00

Duh-duh-dum, Na-na-naaaa...
Citizen: Look up in the sky!
Citizen 2: Is it a bird?
Citizen 3: Is it a plane?
Citizen 3: No! It's Superman!
Bitterman: How come he can fly and i can't? I'm gonna go into the next room, put on my costume and compose a devastating metaphor!

In search of a varied state of joblessness.....

2006-12-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

My brief stint as a news reporter did not go too well. The only stories i seemed to find either concerned Bush or bluegrass bagpipes. Neither are all together what one would call "palatable". So, safe to say that that's over. Many things stemmed from the ensuing boredom. Including a searching binge on wikipedia, which soon revealed that i am afflicted by every mental disease known to man, from Eve's kleptomania to Cartman's worlddominationism. That didnt go to well either. So what's a nice safe profession in today's cuckoo world, is what i was asking myself. Wheels spun, cogs turned, and Voila! The answer presented itself. A software reviewer! Doy!

So, it is with much enthusiasm and stomach-spasms that i set out on my first ever software review. If you are like me, you have come across gaps in conversation when talking to people. They are omnipresent. And irritating. Entrez "Autoinsult". Now, thanks to this nifty little program, they never will be, ever again! What better way to fill up a gap in conversation than by mindlessly hurdling unrelated, unsophisticated, and just flat-out weird insults at whosoever is stupid enough to attempt to engage you in futile chit-chat?? Well, there probably are quite a few better ways, but I trust you are too stupid to realize that.

Social isolation and potty-mouthedness are just a few clicks away, thanks to this thing. It giveth you the option of one of two modes. Shakespearean("Thou haughty, flap-mouthed maggot-pie!"), or modern("You crotchety tub of reeky lizard bums!"). Have at thee, yon knave! And whatnot... You can also carry it around like a talisman, seeing as how it is just a meagre 207 kb in size (208 on disk). The idiots who released it have also had the wisdom to create a handheld symbian version of the same damn thing, that comes with an added speaker functionality, and the novelty of doubling as an alarm clock. Yeah. That's how i'd wanna wake up. "Get up, ya asinine cake of mealy earwax!! Arise and awake, thou reeky, plume-plucked scut. Tis time for thou to get up off thou large rotund arse, and traipse on 'tward yonder school". Bull.

Soon to come are various slightly modded versions of the same load of horse-manure, in different coloured box-wrappings. Like the "autocomeback" and the "autopickup". The day i need a machine for a "comeback" is a sad day indeed... However, sitting in front of the computer and getting insulted by a less-than-one-mb program can get slightly addictive, especially if you have the emotional and calvarial capacity of a comatose newt. Like me. I've already exhausted the thing's vast library of 1000+ permutations of naughty language. I'm a baaaaad boy, i am.
This product does appeal to people, though. For you moronic retards who have WAY more money than you should, and for those geekazoids who have lived the past fifteen years of their life online, and have integrated themselves with their computer to the point that they cant muster up a few hundred swear words on their own, this product was made for you. And it costs nothing, which is it's one redeeming aspect, in my eye. So, what say you? Give it a download, and be subject to the newfound novelty of wasting many an hour in front of the screen you are wasting time in front of right now as you read this, being called a variety of things you never have been before. I've got better things to do, so this is cyke, ace software-reviewer, signing out. Natchna. (\/)

Thought And Afterthought

2006-12-28T20:11:00.000-08:00

Thought: My ultimate aim in life is the complete mastery of any and all human emotion. Every emotion I have ever known has led to disappointment, at some point of time in my life or another. Emotion is weak. Makes me vulnerable. Suspect. Discard it. Less strings to trip me up.

Afterthought: Emotion is what makes a person the person he is. It is the difference between man and machine. Emotion is strength. You are stronger in that you make the right choices. Cherish it. More support ropes to hold you up.

Jekyll's choice: Thought. Hyde sez: Afterthought.

Damn, darth!!! Not you too!!!

2006-12-17T00:42:00.000-08:00

My mind is completely blank and i can think of nothing whatsoever to write about. Just thought you should know. Life is hectic, and VERY confusion.. i mean confusing. See what i mean??? I'm out............

Meet the crew

2006-12-17T00:15:00.000-08:00

A few guys are gonna be joining me on this page... I leave it to them to introduce themselves.

Media Induced Mania??

2006-09-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

We live in a dark world. One in which senseless violence goes unchecked. And worse, one in which senseless blogs get created. Not a single day goes by without one stumbling across news of some mass murder or another, while perfunctorily glancing through the newspaper in the morning, to avoid senseless chores.

Fed up with the exaggerated violence in the newspapers, if one turns on the television, one is faced with a presenter in some godforsaken country or the other, who is standing in front of a building that has been crippled by some terrorist group’s bombing. You also see around ten policemen with “Hi Mom! I’m on TV!” expressions on their faces, offering their insights… sorry… PROFOUND insights. Such as “The explosion was very loud” and “The fire was very hot”. After fifteen minutes of this, the presenter reappears, and because he has nothing else to say, prattles on about how dangerous this is, and how he’s in the middle of it all. He finally signs off, promising “at least a hundred deaths, and a few more casualties”. Simply mind blowing.

One then begins to wonder about the cause for all this. From where does an Islami radical get the idea that suicide bombing a powerful nation would be fun? And from where do teachers get all those retarded questions in term papers from? After a few hours of pondering the topic, and many more of sleeping with one’s eyes open in tuition classes, one arrives at the concept of the media.

The average person spends 16% of his life in front of the idiot box. And another 4% staring listlessly at the screen, before realizing that it was not turned on. Plus, 44% of all statistics are made up in a single moment. And all this time “kid-friendly” programs are shown on screen, each with enough blood and gore to make even the most seasoned surgeon vomit.

One really can’t blame the station execs. They’re just catering to customer needs. Three things sell movies. Violence, sex, and Barney the purple dinosaur. Seeing as how Barney is now just another old stegosaur who is slowly becoming aware of the fact that disco is no longer in, and that puberty isn’t a country, and seeing as how India lacks the “talent” for the other, they opt for the easy way out. That’s why tonight’s main show on star is “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”.

Ergo, the violence on television. And with youngsters exposed to so much of it, they’re bound to grow up thinking it to be an accepted norm of life. And now, with so many movies with thieves as heroes, kids who in parallel universes would have aspired to be doctors, will no emulate their favourite dacoits, wearing perverse little masks and running around in too-tight shirts.

These kids grow up believing that the best way to get back at a friend for stealing his pencil is to tie each of his arms to two trucks facing in opposite directions, and start the ignition. Twisted indeed. They grow up believing that robbing a high-security bank is the perfect way to get the money needed to bribe their Maths teacher into giving them a passing grade.

Ten years from now, a whole generation of kids will have grown up watching the bloodthirsty antics of Karunakaran and his cohorts, as they kill babies in their sleep, and murder women and children in cold blood. And of course, all this is brought into your living room in the latest high-defenition format, courtesy your friendly neighbourhood TV station.

Having written what I’ve wriiten, I hope I’ve imposed on you the sheer improbablility of such things ever happening. Some Arab kid watches Pokemon, so he decides he’s going to be the one to bring Japan down, because they cancelled the show in its 6546516854^th episode? So he’ll live a life of vengeance that will end only when he plunges a knife into the left auricle of Japan’s Prime Minister, yelling “God save Pikachu”? Please. As a teen of my generation, I believe we’re better than that.

We’re mature enough to distinguish between reel life and real life. Blaming the violence of today on television and calling it “one of the evils of media” is just an attempt at pinning the blame on something solid.

Crimes were committed before TV was born. With the introduction of a set into every home, however, more people know about them, making the number seem greater. TV doesn’t cause these crimes, it merely magnifies them, and lets everyone know about them. Knowledge is power, and with this increased knowledge, we are better equipped to fight crime of the future.

Now, if you’ll excuse me “Barney: the true story of a stegosaur whose hot pants no longer fit (with mindless violence interspersed)” is about to start on Discovery. Ciao.

-=cyke=-

The dark side of the moon

2006-07-30T08:38:00.000-07:00

Enough. It all starts when one wakes up. The dread in one's mind cloaks one's perception of reality, screwing up how you see the world, ergo, the world sees you as screwed up. Everythings a vicious circle, with you right at the centre. You try to get out, but you cant. The circle keeps getting smaller, smaller, smaller, right up until its choking you, suffocating you, squeezing the very life out of your body. You try to break free, but you cant. You struggle, punch, kick, pound, bite, scratch, and finally scream. You scream and you scream and you scream, hoping and longing for a relief that will never come. You scream, wishing for times past, wishing you could redo a few days and make it all better. Redo a few hours and make it all better. Redo a few minutes and make it all better. Rethink a few thoughts and make it all better. But you cant. Regardless of what Flipsyde says, regardless of what Rowling writes, Time is not on your side. Time is, instead, a vicious predator, hungry for your blood, chasing you on and on. One tires. It doesnt. The end is inevitable. The end is everywhere, the end is forbodeing. The end is the end. It is naught, yet it is all. A leveller beyond all, the end is all. Some say death is the end. I know otherwise. Some say the worst occurance in one's life is death. I have stared into the blank, dead eyes of a beast with an even deader heart and realized that the greatest folly is birth. One can choose how one dies. One can even go as far as choosing how and when. Not so with birth. If you've seen your end as i have, you would never want to live. Not when you've seen your own death throes, as you writhe and twist in utmost agony. Pain incarnate, pain is all. There, as you wriggle around in your own filth, realizing that the end you have dreamt over and over again has come to pass, one thinks one would bawl in agony. Not me. As i lie here dying, i rejoice. rejoice that my life has come to pass. Rejoice in the fact that I am over. Because as i am done, there is no more of the rat race for me. No more sin, no more wrong. As this realization dawns on me, i smile a smile. An all-knowing smile. And i get up. Turn around. Look right into the deadened eyes of the monster that is Time. And i know the truth. It tires. I spit in its eyes, slap it into the ground. After all, what is it but Time. It cannot help but chase. It cannot stop. Unlike me. I have a choice. It doesnt. I can choose to bend over, pick a rose and smell it, savour the sensation it causes. It cannot. In that, i am richer, and in that knowledge, i am richest. Time is none, Time is dead, Time is over. I now wake up each morning with a purpose. I now wake up anticipating the day ahead. I feel no dread. What can dread do? It has no choice. I do. I wake up each morning anticipating the day ahead. People to meet, things to do.

And every few days..... every few weeks...months...years....lifetimes.... i look back into the eyes of the would-be monster behind me. Ever so desperately trying to catch up. Knowing that it cant , knowing that i know. And i know that someday, i will. See time in it's death throes, twisting and writhing in agony. I will, because i believe i can. And i know the truth. As it slowly realizes that it has no choice in pursuit, what it used to look forward to, anticipate, delight in, turns sour. Turns mundane. Turns agonizing. I know something of agony. And i wish not to know more.

So pardon me while i burst into flames,
i've had enough of this world,
And it's peoples mindless games.

So pardon me while i burn, and rise above the flame,
Pardon me, pardon me,
I'll Never. Be the same.

Incubus.

And another summer passes..and i still havent gotten laid

2006-05-14T02:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, readers. the vacation is over, whether u accept it or not. Starting tomorrow, i have to start going back to school. With tomorrow, another academic year begins. one that i cant afford to mess up. yup, im in the dreaded 12th. If you dont wanna go back to school, here are your options:

A) Tell your parents you have aids. Or better yet, avoid all that treatment. Tell your mom that your dad has aids, and that he asked you to tell her..Yeah..that'll work.

B) Kill your school principal. No one will miss him anyway. And it means a week of vacation, too. Of course, i would NEVER do this to my skools prince.. i luv him too damn much.

C) Go into denial..Who knows, maybe your pre-age psychosis will make headlines, leading to your very own episode on Dr. House.

D) Have a sex change operation (they're cheap now) and move to mexico. Say hi to my maths teacher while you're there will ya?

E) Face the facts and gear up for school..thats probably what im gonna do.

Here's what ive learnt during summer vacation:

There's a guy in china who set the world record for hurdle-crapping...u know, jumping over toilets and defaecating at the same time?? I found a picture of him...here you go: Mr.Tsang-Chunghouser, everybody:------|
<---------------------------------------| Oh, isnt he great??

Bill clinton responded to those who claimed he still regularly "got it goin" with former presidential secretary, monica lewinski, by giving time an exclusive interview, describing how he felt in great detail. The cover of this month's time, is all ill be posting here......................
That, and just one little extract from the interview::

" #$%^& off you mother#$%^@$@ers"

Susan Stroganoff(name withheld) was in tears in beverly hills when she was fired from her job as a mechanic...the reasons are obvious. However, she soon found a new job. She turned adversity into success, by (as she is demonstrating in this pic) serving as an automatic vehicle jack!! Bravo susie!

Well, thats pretty much all. Plus, im wearing an earring now.. i didnt use to, but my girlfriend found it in my bed (oh,. dont i wish). See ya..this is Cyke, signing out.

The NEWS!!!

2006-04-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

I discovered that i have a knack for digging up gud news stories, so ive decided to host an online news show on this very web page!! Lucky you...
Note: this has nothing to do with the statistic that 90% of all newspapermen get laid a lot........... absolutely nothing at all
First up, as you can see in this picture, Zelnoth the zebra stole lena the lioness' food and made a quick getaway on his honda CBR 1000RR. Lena suffered minor burns, while Zelnoth has developed severe diarrhoea(thats the actual spelling) and shows symptoms of psychosis, after having eaten, what lena later revealed, was his own brother. While Zelnoth was in prison, he revealed that he was not alone in committing this dastardly deed. Porky the pig was also involved. And as you can see in this next picture, porky was soon apprehended by the authorities.

In other, more human related news, we have come to the conclusion that george bush is a clueless idiot. Here he is, looking for Osama, all over iraq, while we have a picture of him checking out an apartment on 5th avenue, for investment purposes. We also caught sight of him later at a famous nightclub, along with pam anderson. When pam was asked whether she supported osama's terrorist acts, she stopped blowing him long enough to say "who's osama??" As we were saying, pam anderson is stupid.

In other news, eminem, sick of fans intruding on his personal space, hounding him at all hours of the nite for an autograph, put a sign up in front of his house. We here at CNS(cyke's news service) managed to take a picture of it, before he blew a foot wide hole in our cameraman, with his personalized gun, which was later confiscated. this is an artist's conception of what it looked like:
In more unimportant news, an anti-harassment group in the US started giving out these t-shirts for free, to anyone who wanted them. this is the general design:-->

They however, packed up their bags in a hurry, when this <--------douchebag (he's a guy, by the way) came along, and asked if they had one in a size 32. Why, you may ask? Because they had a size 30 and a size 34, but no 32. tragic indeed....

And, in our main story, we have with us baseball billy--------------------->
On first sight, he appears to be healthy and normal, but that was before THIS
happened(look below and gasp suitably at the horror you see)
Billy was severely traumatized by the incident, and was admitted to the finest hospital, where he was in the ICU for 4 weeks. He then released a statement, telling everyone he was okay, but had never experienced such pain and suffering before. This is a guy who is regularly hit by a stick of hardwood, so you can imagine how it must have felt..... Meanwhile, the player was okay, because he is part chinese. if you dont understand, just wait until you learn a little bit more about the world, then come back and read this blog. From Kerala, India, for the CNS network, this is cyke. See ya!

WASSUP, fellow brethren of the clan of insanely cool...what the hell am i talkin about??

2006-03-13T17:38:00.000-08:00

There's something i seem to be saying a lot nowadays... what the hell am i talking about....c whether im trying to bluff my way out of saramma's questioning, or trying to convince my gf to go all the way(yeah right!!!) ppl always end up askin me.... "what the hell are you talkig about". I've thought about it a lot and i've come to the conclusion that thats a question that all of us should ask ourselves these days. When you're ot sure of what to say, or when u'r caught up in the herat of an argument...ask yourself... "what the hell am i talking about". That simple question could save you many a whack from your tuition teacher, and may a slap from your gf, if u're lucky enough to have one...WAIT A MINUTE!!!! WHAT THE HELL AM I TALKING ABOUT??? The most important event in a student's life has come to pass, and i'm playing oprah dispersing shitloads of advice to her stupid "patients"... THE FINALS ARE OVER!!!! YIPPPIEEE! YAHOO!! Wheee??? (i ran out of steam) Oh, plus, i gety to visit the u.s for a month and a half! I'm typing this from dubai airport, where they have free net and gaming....free net, and all the games you can play... i just might move over here man!!! SEE YA!!!!!!

Cool Optical illusion

2006-02-20T03:41:00.000-08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! PATTICHEEE!! Nuthin new going on in my life as of now, just "preparing" for final exams. Gotta start studying a bit now, so chances are, you won't hear from me for another 3 weeks, but after that, i'm gonna be LIVING on the net, man! Important recent events:

=> tuitions have started to wind up.... too bad, their goes my social life.

=> i have rediscovered the joy of reading... btw, John Grisham RULES!!

=> I, just 2 seconds ago, ran out of ideas for my blog

=> My plan to take over the world using microchips implanted in teddy bears, has finally taken off.

and....thats about it... as u can see, my life's been pretty mundane. Just the same old saving the world from mathematics stuff. i gotta go, im getting bored. This is whatthehack aka cyke, signing out.............................

Hi everyone

2005-12-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

This is my first ever post on my first ever blog, and i just wanna say that i WILL annoy you. I'm here to post whatever shit i want to, and theres nuthin you or anyone else can do about it... unless you kill me, which i strongly advise against, since that could lead to total chaos, all over the world. When people find out you killed me, they'll be up in arms against you. They'll hunt you down and pull your brains out through your bellybuttons... or sumthin like that... am i annoying you yet?? No??? Too bad. I just dont give a fuchsia. About me:
Age: archaic
The world was made a better day on: A day i cant remember
People call me : whatever they feel like, if they're bigger than me.
My name is: withheld
My favourite colour: blood
my fav food: blood
blood, blood, blood, blood....I luv blood. Im secretly a vampire who spirits away beautiful ladies in the middle of the night and, and, and..........makes them listen to me sing!!!! Now thats torture, paralleled only by being made to distinguish between George Bush's brain and a cockroaches genitalia... just remember, the smaller one is the brain. As my page sez, i am not the one.
but since everyone is sumone, i guess i am too. So, i am someone who is not the one. But in comparison to the one, i am the one who is not the one. But, that makes me the one!!! Well, not THE one, but a one, nonetheless! i like peanuts. Heres a thought:
If, at any point in time, you expect the unexpected, then, theoretically, there is no unexpected thing. You, at that point in time, expect everything in the world to happen to you, no matter how improbable...unless of course, when expecting the unexpected, u completely 4get to expect the expected. In that case, the expected is actually the unexpected, and since, as said before, you are expecting the unexpected, it is the expected. So there is a complete reverse in the cosmic universe at that time. The expected becomes unexpected, and the unexpected, the expected. Boy am i tired of typing the word expected.... and unexpected, too. But, isnt expected part of unexpected?? so mebbe im just tired of unexpected. i like counterstrike! Thus, in this fashion, The first law of thermodynamics has been proved, which states that:
" The amount of heat generated by a fart is directly proportional to the amount of beans eaten beforehand".....................Im getting bored(always a dangerous sign!!), so peace out!