The One

Life is like a road, and you’re a weary traveler driving down it. When I was a kid, I kept asking my dad to overtake the cars ahead, pretending that I was in a race, vying for first place. Dad humoured me. The infuriating thing is this: No matter how many cars you pass, there will still be many more ahead of you. You will never be in first place. Not because you are not good enough, but because there is no such thing.
And until you realize that it doesn’t matter who else is on the road, until you realize that the only thing that matters is where you are going and how you are going there, you’re wasting your time. All you have to do is stay on the road you need to to reach your destination, avoid potholes and flat tires, and never run out of gas. You'll get there eventually. Have faith.

Duh-duh-dum, Na-na-naaaa...
Citizen: Look up in the sky!
Citizen 2: Is it a bird?
Citizen 3: Is it a plane?
Citizen 3: No! It's Superman!
Bitterman: How come he can fly and i can't? I'm gonna go into the next room, put on my costume and compose a devastating metaphor!

My brief stint as a news reporter did not go too well. The only stories i seemed to find either concerned Bush or bluegrass bagpipes. Neither are all together what one would call "palatable". So, safe to say that that's over. Many things stemmed from the ensuing boredom. Including a searching binge on wikipedia, which soon revealed that i am afflicted by every mental disease known to man, from Eve's kleptomania to Cartman's worlddominationism. That didnt go to well either. So what's a nice safe profession in today's cuckoo world, is what i was asking myself. Wheels spun, cogs turned, and Voila! The answer presented itself. A software reviewer! Doy!

So, it is with much enthusiasm and stomach-spasms that i set out on my first ever software review. If you are like me, you have come across gaps in conversation when talking to people. They are omnipresent. And irritating. Entrez "Autoinsult". Now, thanks to this nifty little program, they never will be, ever again! What better way to fill up a gap in conversation than by mindlessly hurdling unrelated, unsophisticated, and just flat-out weird insults at whosoever is stupid enough to attempt to engage you in futile chit-chat?? Well, there probably are quite a few better ways, but I trust you are too stupid to realize that.

Social isolation and potty-mouthedness are just a few clicks away, thanks to this thing. It giveth you the option of one of two modes. Shakespearean("Thou haughty, flap-mouthed maggot-pie!"), or modern("You crotchety tub of reeky lizard bums!"). Have at thee, yon knave! And whatnot... You can also carry it around like a talisman, seeing as how it is just a meagre 207 kb in size (208 on disk). The idiots who released it have also had the wisdom to create a handheld symbian version of the same damn thing, that comes with an added speaker functionality, and the novelty of doubling as an alarm clock. Yeah. That's how i'd wanna wake up. "Get up, ya asinine cake of mealy earwax!! Arise and awake, thou reeky, plume-plucked scut. Tis time for thou to get up off thou large rotund arse, and traipse on 'tward yonder school". Bull.

Soon to come are various slightly modded versions of the same load of horse-manure, in different coloured box-wrappings. Like the "autocomeback" and the "autopickup". The day i need a machine for a "comeback" is a sad day indeed... However, sitting in front of the computer and getting insulted by a less-than-one-mb program can get slightly addictive, especially if you have the emotional and calvarial capacity of a comatose newt. Like me. I've already exhausted the thing's vast library of 1000+ permutations of naughty language. I'm a baaaaad boy, i am.
This product does appeal to people, though. For you moronic retards who have WAY more money than you should, and for those geekazoids who have lived the past fifteen years of their life online, and have integrated themselves with their computer to the point that they cant muster up a few hundred swear words on their own, this product was made for you. And it costs nothing, which is it's one redeeming aspect, in my eye. So, what say you? Give it a download, and be subject to the newfound novelty of wasting many an hour in front of the screen you are wasting time in front of right now as you read this, being called a variety of things you never have been before. I've got better things to do, so this is cyke, ace software-reviewer, signing out. Natchna. (\/)

Thought: My ultimate aim in life is the complete mastery of any and all human emotion. Every emotion I have ever known has led to disappointment, at some point of time in my life or another. Emotion is weak. Makes me vulnerable. Suspect. Discard it. Less strings to trip me up.

Afterthought: Emotion is what makes a person the person he is. It is the difference between man and machine. Emotion is strength. You are stronger in that you make the right choices. Cherish it. More support ropes to hold you up.

Jekyll's choice: Thought. Hyde sez: Afterthought.

My mind is completely blank and i can think of nothing whatsoever to write about. Just thought you should know. Life is hectic, and VERY confusion.. i mean confusing. See what i mean??? I'm out............

A few guys are gonna be joining me on this page... I leave it to them to introduce themselves.